


Longing For (Im)Possible Things

by baozisdragon



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Yoo Kihyun / Lee Jooheon, Mutual Pining, Shin Hoseok | Wonho is a Softie, Son Hyunwoo | Shownu is Oblivious, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, wonho gets in his feelings thats all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-17 02:28:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16966002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baozisdragon/pseuds/baozisdragon
Summary: Really, it all boils down to Hyunwoo being grossly, obnoxiously, and hopelessly oblivious.Hoseok doesn't even blame him, not really. He sort of figures it to be some kind of coping mechanism. Given that literally every person who spends more than five minutes in Hyunwoo's presence can't help but fall at least mildly in love with him, his poor brain probably raised a wall of blank-faced confusion and absentminded grins as protection. This, of course, is a totally unhelpful analogy, as it just makes Hoseok want to snuggle Hyunwoo to his chest and growl at anyone who even looks at him like some territorial idiot.





	Longing For (Im)Possible Things

**Author's Note:**

> started writing this bcuz i was overwhelmed in my feelings for mr. hyunwoo <3 this entire fic is literally just a 12k shownu love post lmaoooo

The thing isn't even that Hoseok is being subtle, because he's not.

He's practically a sunflower in Hyunwoo's presence, turning his way no matter where he moves, orienting all of his focus on wherever Hyunwoo is at any given time. Always bursting with smiles, they become broader under Hyunwoo's attention.

This isn't to say that Hoseok is too forward, though, because he certainly isn't that either.

While he blossoms under Hyunwoo's gaze, his petals are shy and tinged pink at the edges. He stammers when Hyunwoo's eyes find and hold his during conversation, stumbles over his lisp when Hyunwoo smiles mid sentence. When Hyunwoo loosely grasps his hand in the line for coffee some mornings, just something he does when the place gets packed and he worries Hoseok and him might become separated, Hoseok breaks out into a cold sweat and keeps his trembling eyes directed towards the floor.

Really, it all boils down to Hyunwoo being grossly, obnoxiously, and hopelessly oblivious.

Hoseok doesn't even blame him, not really. He sort of figures it to be some kind of coping mechanism. Given that literally every person who spends more than five minutes in Hyunwoo's presence can't help but fall at least mildly in love with him, his poor brain probably raised a wall of blank-faced confusion and absentminded grins as protection. This, of course, is a totally unhelpful analogy, as it just makes Hoseok want to snuggle Hyunwoo to his chest and growl at anyone who even looks at him like some territorial idiot.

Which he might be. A little bit.

Not possessive or jealous or anything nasty like that, but territorial? Very apt. He often looks at Hyunwoo and imagines a purple love bite of his own making blooming so handsomely right under his jaw or over his heart, and shivers.

Like now.

Today is an exceptionally hot one in the middle of July, a useless and sweaty month in Hoseok's opinion. Heat shimmers over the asphalt outside of the cafe he, Hyunwoo, and Hyungwon are seated in, barely kept at bay by the small ceiling fans puttering noisily above them. Hoseok himself, wearing a dri-fit shirt and his favorite biking shorts, still feels the hot air hover tackily around him, leaving his skin flushed and blotchy. Hyunwoo, infuriatingly, only looks more beautiful in the heat. His dark skin is dewy in the sunlight pouring in from the window they're seated beside, sweat damp hair looking darker and coarser in its tangle atop his head. When he sips on the straw in his strawberry boba tea his lips are the same bright red as the drink, and his bobbing throat draws Hoseok's eyes like a flame draws a stupid, lovestruck moth.

He can't help but to imagine kissing those lips, tasting strawberry pulp and feeling the soft slide as they turn up in a smile...

"-seok? Hoseok, are you okay?"

Caught, Hoseok coughs suddenly, and makes sheepish eye contact with a visibly concerned Hyunwoo.

"You were completely zoned out just now." He takes another sip of his cold tea, chewing lightly on a gummy tapioca pearl, all the while his black eyes keep Hoseok pinned to his seat like a bug.

"Y-Yeah, sorry, I guess I was." Hoseok laughs, rubbing a hand through the prickly hairs at his nape. "The heat probably. I'm fine."

He hurriedly reaches out to grab his own tea, passion fruit and white grape, and takes a bracing gulp. His eyebrows still drawn together, but obviously appeased, Hyunwoo turns back to his phone and unpauses his game.

"Tell me if you start feeling light-headed, okay? I'll walk you home." He speaks without looking up from the screen, gnawing absently on his straw, and Hoseok's heart could take home gold with all of the flipping around it's doing in his chest.

He catches Hyungwon's eye across the table, his infuriatingly knowing smirk, and tucks his chin, hoping that the heat's influence masks the blush he feels so starkly flood his cheeks. Hyungwon, like everyone else with eyes and a brain excepting sweet, sweet Hyunwoo, is well aware of Hoseok's crush. He is just one of the few brave enough to toe the waters of Hoseok's patience.

"You know, Hyunwoo hyung, I'm actually curious about something." His tone is sickeningly innocent when he speaks up, but Hyunwoo, oblivious as ever, only pauses his game again with a question on his brow.

"Excuse me if I'm being too nosy," there is no reproach in his voice in the slightest, "-but I can't remember you dating since I've known you. Have you? You know? Dated?"

The oppressive afternoon heat is suddenly sucked from the room, as a chill descends over Hoseok's body.

Hyunwoo pouts a bit in thought.

"I've dated before, in high school. Not in a while." He seems content to leave it at that while Hyungwon, much like a rabid dog, refuses to let go.

"But why, hyung! You could have anyone you want!" His pointed peek at Hoseok earns him a stomp beneath the table.

Hyunwoo instantly turns a little sheepish, though definitely a little bit pleased as well. He rubs at his cheek like he does when he gets shy, and smiles that soft little smile that crinkles his eyes up like confetti paper. Hoseok hopes that he doesn't look as dumb in love as he feels, watching him shrug those mountainous shoulders.

"I don't know about that," he mumbles. "I guess I just haven't been interested in anyone since then."

The silence that settles over the table then is only uncomfortable for two thirds of those seated at it. Hyungwon's big eyes widen ever so slightly, and the glance he sends at Hoseok is furtive and apologetic. Hoseok doesn't see it, however, too busy smiling ever so stiffly down at the tabletop. He swirls his straw in his remaining tea, suddenly not interested in drinking the rest of it.

It's not like this isn't something he hasn't been aware of. If Hyunwoo liked him, really liked him, he knows that he would have seen the signs of Hoseok's feelings. Knows he would have made a move already if he wanted too. Just, something about hearing it in words, so blunt, so like Hyunwoo, feels blatantly final.

Slipping his backpack back onto his shoulder from the floor, he stands, collecting his trash.

"Are you leaving, Hoseok-ah? Let me walk with you." Hyunwoo starts to stand as well, but sits back down with the hand Hoseok lays on his shoulder. The smile Hoseok levels at him is genuine.

"Don't worry, I don't feel sick. I just have some chores to catch up on, thought I'd head home early to get started on them." These are lies, of course, but his throat is too tight and his eyes too wet in the dim cafe for him to just sit there and pretend that he's alright.

Hyunwoo, thankfully, falls for it.

"As long as you're sure." He smiles up at Hoseok, the golden light illuminating every perfect part of him. "Will you be able to make it to the gym tomorrow?"

"Of course." Hoseok turns to lock eyes with a pair of larger, brassy ones. "See you later Hyungwon."

Well chastened, Hyungwon sends him a small wave. Hoseok waves back, pats Hyunwoo's shoulder once more, and then heads out the cafe entrance in the direction of home.

It's only once he's toed his sneakers off inside his front door and dropped down into his favorite spot on his and Changkyun's couch that he lets his shoulders slump like they want too. The weight of reality feels like an elephant sitting on his back. He can't help the tremble in his lower lip just like he can't help the way his head falls back against the top of the cushion behind him, or the way a few sneaky tears leak out to get lost in his hair. He doesn't even reach up to wipe them away, choosing instead to just let them dry in their tracks. It's not like he's actively crying, anyway, just kind of releasing some of the excess emotions he has. Nothing big, nothing important.

Just like his feelings for Hyunwoo.

Nothing big. It's not like Hyunwoo's smile sends Hoseok over the moon every time it's directed at him. And it's not like his eyes, dark and so wonderfully transparent, have the ability to raise Hoseok's mercurial mood from completely despondent to as serene as an ocean current with a single look. Hyunwoo has so much power over Hoseok that he is so wholly unaware of that it'd be embarrassing, if Hoseok was the type of person to be embarrassed by feelings. But he's not, he's Hoseok, and instead it just makes him sad.

This unfortunate state is how Changkyun finds him half an hour later as he gets home from his afternoon class. A pitiful lump in the living room with sticky temples and puffy eyes.

"Hyunggie." Changkyun says sadly, well used to coming in to such a lump, walking over to kneel on the cushion beside Hoseok and cradling his head to his chest. Hoseok lets himself be coddled.

"What happened?" Changkyun is petting his hair gently, smelling like the coconut body wash they both use, and Hoseok releases a big, shuddery breath that he hadn't known he'd been holding.

"I'm just being a baby."

"Well of course you are." Changkyun says simply. Hoseok smiles wetly into his hoodie.

"Just... my stupid heart won't listen to sense even when it's spelled out for it."

Hoseok's cheek is smooshed forward by the force of Changkyun's sigh. He gives Hoseok's head one more good squeeze before letting him go and flopping back onto his heels. Hoseok uses his freedom to rub his fists into his eyes, unsticking his eyelashes from each other as Changkyun watches, a small frown drawing his brows together.

"Is this about Hyunwoo hyung?"

Hoseok nods, and recounts the catastrophe of the cafe as closely as he can. Changkyun listens silently, nodding occasionally. Saying it all out loud like this, no longer in the heat of the moment (or Hyunwoo's presence), Hoseok feels a little bit silly for reacting like he had.

"And then I left." He finishes lamely. He sinks lower into the couch, an unconscious pout overtaking his mouth. "Hyungwonnie probably feels bad."

Changkyun shrugs his shoulders sagely.

"He has to learn to keep his nose in his own business some time." Hoseok considers giving him a flick for talking like that about his hyung, but affords him a pass because it's only the truth. "But, hyung, I think you may be over thinking this. Hyunwoo hyung was probably just embarrassed to say anything in front of you."

Hoseok snorts, but can't help the hopeful flutter in his chest from Changkyun's words.

Changkyun has always been adamant in his belief that Hyunwoo shares Hoseok's affection. He has no real basis for it, always stating the 'vibe' he gives off around him when Hoseok asks, as if that explains anything. Still, Hoseok can't help but to cling to Changkyun's near blind faith sometimes. What if he's right? What if Hyunwoo does actually have some interest in him like that, as more than a friend? Just the thought of it is quickening Hoseok's heartbeat.

"I really think you should ask him yourself. Alone, maybe?" Changkyun offers delicately. Before Hoseok can give the same panicked rejection he always gives, he holds up a hand. "I'm not saying confess to him, hyung, though that would solve literally all of your problems, but whatever."

Hoseok does give him a flick for that one. Rubbing his ear sullenly, Changkyun continues.

"Just ask him something similar to what Hyungwonnie hyung did, but one on one this time. If anything, it'll be closure."

The word 'closure' sends another pang to Hoseok's heart, this time an unpleasant one.

"I'll... I'll think about it, Kkukunggie." Hoseok acquiesces after a moment of silence.

Changkyun smiles, at the nickname or Hoseok's agreement, most likely both. He hops up off of the couch holding Hoseok's hand in his, not strong enough to pull his bulk up but more than capable of swinging their arms around until he gets up himself. As Hoseok stands he feels like most of the weight on his shoulders stays on the couch behind him, and he can't help but to pull his younger friend into a tight hug once he's up, squeezing the life out of him to hear his squeaks of distress.

 

The next morning at 4:50am, sprawled in an empty subway car with his gym bag at his feet, Hoseok tries to hold onto that sense of weightlessness.

He's on his way to meet Hyunwoo. The two of them work out together four mornings a week without fail, a tradition that had been started only a few weeks after they'd met and recognized the gym rat passion in each other. It's easy, and it's familiar, and it's fun, so why does Hoseok feel like there's a cartoon anvil hanging over his head, swinging ominously on a strained rope?

He arrives a few minutes early and sends a friendly, if shaky, wave to the early morning receptionist as he makes his way back to the changing rooms. Unsurprisingly, Hyunwoo is already there. He's fiddling with his locker when Hoseok walks in, playing with his phone in his hands, hurriedly shoving it beneath a pile of clothing once the click of the door closing echoes throughout the otherwise empty tile room.

"Good morning." He says. His voice, still sleep raspy, frays the knot holding Hoseok's anvil.

"Morning."

Hoseok wants to cringe at how soft his voice sounds. He chooses a locker a few to the right of Hyunwoo's, and begins unloading his things. The room is quiet, which is normal for the two of them before they begin. Today, though, Hoseok can't help but feel an undercurrent of awkwardness in the stiff way that they both slip on their training shoes and untangle their earbuds. He's still a little embarrassed at the way he left yesterday, so abruptly and after Hyunwoo had been so sweet to him. Feeling like his shirt is tightening on his chest with every second spent in tense silence, Hoseok closes his locker door with a clang, and turns to Hyunwoo, who had jumped just the slightest bit at the sudden noise.

"Hyunwoo-yah, about yesterday." He feels shy as Hyunwoo turns to look at him, and chooses to concentrate on the floor beneath his shoes instead of on the man across from him. "I'm sorry for leaving like I did. I wasn't trying to be rude-"

"Don't worry about it." Hyunwoo interrupts. "Hyungwonnie and I know you're busy these days. But Hoseok-," and he cuts himself off with a cough, and Hoseok looks up in astonishment to see Hyunwoo's cheeks slowly fill in with the slightest bit of pink. "If you ever need to talk, or, uh, say anything to me. You know, I'm always available. For you. And, uh, everyone else, of course, just. You too."

And then he just nods, not meeting Hoseok's eye, shuts his locker, and walks stiffly out into the main area of the gym. Dumbfounded, Hoseok follows him.

He watches Hyunwoo walk quickly over to the free weights as he himself heads to the treadmills, mind running a hundred miles an hour. Hyunwoo is not a man of many words. He hardly ever rambles, or monologues, or stumbles over what few words he chooses to /bless Hoseok with/ say. Unless he's talking about something he's passionate about, i.e food, gains, or other kinds of food, he's likely not talking at all. So to have him stumble like that, tripping over his tongue and second guessing his sentences, has Hoseok's mind doing the same thing.

He sets the speed on the machine to a light jog, hopping on and quickly matching pace, resolutely not craning his neck around to look at Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo, in the loose white t-shirt and grey basketball shorts he's wearing, looking handsome and sporty with his bare face and tanned arms. Hoseok hadn't spent a lot of time on his wardrobe that morning, seeing as his mind had been so preoccupied with the events of the day previous, but looking down at himself now, in his expensive compression leggings and cropped sweatshirt, he can't help but think that he doesn't look half bad. He could have maybe put some chapstick on, the tinted kind that makes him look like he's just eaten a handful of strawberries, or done something with his hair other than shove it back with a wide headband, but beggars can't be choosers.

For the barest second, he considers his appearance as being the cause of Hyunwoo's mini meltdown in the locker room.

He hurriedly shakes that thought away, though, and increases the speed on the treadmill as punishment. He dresses like this all of the time, and as said by the man in question himself, it's just not interesting. A little peek of stomach and glimpse of forehead isn't going to change that now if it hasn't already.

His conversation with Changkyun the night before is briefly called to the front of his mind.

Bringing it up again, just the two of them in the gym this early, pressing until he gets an honest answer... It feels too manipulative, rethinking it with a clear head. He doesn't want to badger Hyunwoo until he gets what he wants to hear, he wants Hyunwoo's honest feelings, or as close as he can get with a man who sometimes seems allergic to them.

Yesterday, his reply had seemed pretty genuine, from where Hoseok had been sitting.

He heaves a bracing breath and hops off the machine, heart feeling heavier, but head feeling clearer.

He's been in love with Hyunwoo almost from the moment he met him. He's managed to be nothing more than his friend through it all, and he's not going to ruin it now by forcing his affection onto Hyunwoo when he so obviously doesn't want it.

Beating said affections into submission with a stick made of pure willpower, Hoseok goes over to Hyunwoo, who's still warming up with some of the lighter dumbbells.

He taps lightly on his back.

Hyunwoo turns to Hoseok, pulls out an earbud and raises one sharp eyebrow.

"Want me to spot you on the bench?" Hoseok smiles balefully, his question a peace offering to the strange mood that had been surrounding the two of them since the exchange earlier.

Hyunwoo smiles back, though his is a classic; simple and excited.

"Thanks, Hoseok-ah."

Hoseok writes off the squeezing of his heart as heart burn.

 

By the time the two of them are done, warmed down and showered and dressed in their day clothes, the awkwardness has fled them completely. Hyunwoo jostles Hoseok playfully as they exit the building, taking advantage of his meager hyung status to bully Hoseok into buying him some triangle kimbap from the corner store nearest the gym. He puts up a cursory fight but gives up like always, going in and snagging the last two marinated beef flavor from the shelf. He buys a tuna mayo for himself, and then heads out to sit on the curb next to Hyunwoo, handing him his and silently waving off his thanks.

The two sit quietly in the muggy morning air, munching on their breakfast and waving at the few aunties that recognize them from the area as they set up their street stalls. Hoseok can't help but watch Hyunwoo as he eats, his eyebrows drawing down into that precious angry expression as he takes his bites, chewing with his cheeks puffed out. Hoseok wrestles with the fondness blooming in his chest like creeping roots, succeeding only in keeping a fraction of it out of his expression. Better than the usual open adoration, so he gives himself a mental pat on the back as he finishes his kimbap.

Hyunwoo is only halfway through his second, and so Hoseok leans back on his palms to watch the world wake up around them. The newly risen sun streams warmly onto his skin through the city smog, and he tips his face back to fully enjoy it before it turns to the unbearable heat of yesterday. It's only a minute or two that he does it, but by the time he opens his eyes, Hyunwoo has finished his food, and is staring directly at him, an unreadable expression on his face.

Hoseok fights a flush at Hyunwoo's scrutiny. His lips turn up in a questioning smile, and Hyunwoo seems to come online as a result. For the second time that morning, Hoseok is left steeped in confusion as Hyunwoo's cheeks color crimson and he jumps hurriedly to his feet.

"It's getting warm, isn't it?" He says, shielding his eyes from the sun and subsequently casting his pink face in shadow.

"I guess?" Hoseok asks, still comfortable. "Do you want to leave?"

Hyunwoo shrugs his big shoulders. Hoseok stands up and takes the trash from Hyunwoo's hand, careful not to brush against his skin as he does so, to put into his gym bag to throw away back at the apartment. Hyunwoo's fingers twitch, and Hoseok raises an eyebrow.

"Let's just head home for now, okay? Don't you work this afternoon?"

Hyunwoo seems surprised that he knows. He nods.

"If we go now, you should still have enough time for a quick nap after lunch. You get cranky if you can't digest properly." Hoseok teases.

Hyunwoo only gets darker. He rubs the nape of his neck bashfully, laughing shortly under his breath.

"I kind of do, don't I?"

Hoseok's solemn nod gets him a knuckle to the middle of his shoulder blades, but Hyunwoo's hand dropping from his forehead, revealing a relaxed grin, is worth the stares he gets as he jumps and wriggles away with a laugh.

They make their way through the sleepy streets, talking quietly about inconsequential things. Hoseok asks about how Hyunwoo's work is going, and Hyunwoo tells him about the new techniques he's teaching the young swimmers at the community center pool. He's not the best with kids, nor does he particularly love being around them, but he's patient and kind and unintimidating, once he opens his mouth, and makes a perfect coach. Hoseok has sat in on a lesson or two before, waiting on Hyunwoo to clock out so they can go meet the others or hang out together. Watching him, big and heavy-handed, lift wriggling kids out of the water by their life jackets and be completely unaware of the roaming eyes of their mothers as he trundles around in his wetsuit, never fails to cheer Hoseok up.

When they're not talking, simply walking together through the filling sidewalks, Hoseok almost lets himself indulge in a familiar fantasy.

Almost pictures a morning where there is no space between them as they stroll, and their hands are clasped together instead of stuffed into their pockets. Where Hyunwoo looks at Hoseok with the light in his eyes that Hoseok knows he himself radiates with, that warm glow of affection and fondness like a candle lit within him.

Before he gets to the part where Hyunwoo is leaning in with a smirk on his perfect mouth to press a chaste kiss to his cheek, Hoseok shakes himself out of it.

He'd told himself he was going to get better at this, at respecting Hyunwoo's boundaries. A sigh rumbles in his chest, bouncing around his ribs, itching and burning as it goes. It might be a bit harder than he was hoping for, but Hoseok is nothing if not tenacious.

When they make it to the subway station, Hyunwoo's face is pensive. He looks like he has something to say, which Hoseok very much wants to hear. However, before Hyunwoo can gather his thoughts from where they seem to be scattered, Hoseok's train arrives.

"That's me." He says, as if Hyunwoo doesn't know. "Are you still coming over on  Thursday for movie night? It's Hyungwon's pick, so it'll be something really artsy and pretentious." He ribs Hyunwoo with his elbow, and misses the flash of disappointment on his face as he winks.

"Of course I'll be there, Hoseok-ah." He replies, much more gravely than the situation calls for. "Now go, don't miss your train."

Hoseok grins as widely as he can, teeth clenched around the fluttering he feels every time Hyunwoo takes care of him in little ways like this. He salutes him then, and then turns to jog into the nearest car. When he goes to face the window, holding tight to the safety bar next to the doors, Hyunwoo is still watching him. He holds the eye contact even after the train lurches into motion, the tunnel being the one to break it before either of them have the chance.

Hoseok's chest feels tight for some reason, and he coughs into his elbow to loosen it up.

It doesn't work.

 

Changkyun is in class already by the time he gets back to the apartment, but he's left behind a cup of lukewarm tea in Hoseok's favorite mug on the kitchen counter, sitting beside a protein cookie and a post-it note.

'Cheer up, baby hyung! <3', It reads, with a doodle of an arm flexing an enormous bicep next to the heart.

Hoseok tsks, rolls his eyes, but has to swallow the first gulp of sugary tea past an affectionate lump in his throat.

He takes the note to stick onto the small vanity mirror in his room, and texts Changkyun a kissy face emoji before falling heavily onto his mattress, and staring up at the glow in the dark stars he and Minhyuk had stuck on the ceiling a month ago, giggling the whole time. It's a fond memory, one that brings a smile to his face, but Hoseok can't help but remember Hyunwoo as he was that night, standing in the doorway to Hoseok's room and smiling at the two of them as Minhyuk, held up by Hoseok's arms around his stick thin thighs, drunkenly slapped constellations above their heads.

His heart aches sharply in his chest.

Lost in his lovesick melodrama, he nearly misses the muffled jingling of his phone, trapped beneath an avalanche of plushes that had become dislodged from their careful pyramid when Hoseok had flung himself onto them. He gropes for it blindly before raising it to an inch in front of his frowning face.

'Hyungwonnie' is requesting to video chat.

Sighing gustily more from moodiness than anything, he accepts, still sprawled on his back like a depressed starfish. Hyungwon answers immediately.

He's at a photoshoot, that much is obvious from the amount of eyeshadow he's wearing and the bustle of stressed interns like an anthill just behind his head. There are still clippies holding his coiffed hair in place, and he's wearing what looks like an old pokemon shirt, so it must be before he's had his turn in front of the lens.

"What's up, punk?" Hoseok asks after several seconds of lip-nibbling silence from the model on the other side of the call. Hyungwon looks contrite.

"Hi, hyung. I'm kind of busy right now, but I had to call and say that I'm really sorry about yesterday, at the cafe?" He certainly sounds sorry, and looks it, too. Hoseok hadn't been angry at him, not even annoyed, and doesn't blame him for his pushiness. He knows Hyungwon just wants to see him happy, and he could never be mad about that.

"You have no reason to be sorry, Hyungwon-ah. Don't worry about it, I'm not mad."

Hyungwon rolls his eyes, and Hoseok can feel his exasperation through the phone.

"I know you're not mad, hyung, like you could be mad at me." Hoseok, a serial dongsaeng-spoiler, can only concede to that point. "I was worried I made you upset. You looked like you were going to cry when you left."

Hoseok coughs, suddenly a little pink in the cheeks. He chooses to omit his mini breakdown.

"I'm a big boy, Hyungwon, I can take a little heartache."

Okay, maybe that was a bit too genuine.

Hyungwon looks stricken.

"That's what I mean, hyung! I didn't want to make you feel that way. I was just teasing, but I went too far. I know how you feel about Hyunwoo hyung. I really am sorry about it."

Despite the subject matter, Hoseok can't help but feel his heart warm a little bit. Having evidence of people that really do care about him, especially coming from one prickly and sometimes closed-off Hyungwon, reminds him that he's not alone in this whole fucked up situation.

"I know that, and I knew it yesterday. Don't worry about me, I can take care of myself."

"Can you?" And the teasing tone is back, if just a bit, as is that little eye smile that lets Hoseok know that he's getting his point across.

"Hey, kid, I'm older than you still. Watch your mouth." Not even a toddler could mistake Hoseok's words for a genuine threat, not with the eye-erasing smile plastered on his face.

"Yeah, yeah," Hyungwon says, fiddling with something off screen. "Actually, I have a question."

Somehow, he manages to look both mischievous and meek with his eyelashes fluttering and his teeth biting back an almost nervous looking grin.

"Shoot." Hoseok says, fixing his bangs in the camera.

"Did Hyunwoo hyung say anything to you this morning?"

Hoseok's fingers still. He freezes Hyungwon with a sharp look.

"Like what?" He sits up. "What did you say to him, Hyungwon?"

"I didn't say anything! Implied something, maybe, or suggested something else, but I said absolutely nothing."

"Chae Hyungwon, I swear-"

"Oh no hyung, I'm getting called to wardrobe. Gotta go, See you on Thursday!" A kiss, an infuriatingly smug grin, and his screen goes black.

Wanting to scream, Hoseok flips onto his stomach, shoves his face into his largest Ryan plush, and does so.

 

After the call his head is buzzing, a beehive of horrible possibilities. Whatever Hyungwon has said, or insinuated, or whatever other stupid synonyms he had used, must have been the reason for Hyunwoo's awkwardness that morning. Whatever he had said had made the infallible, immovable, untouchable Son Hyunwoo stutter and blush and stumble.

Hoseok suddenly remembers the moment in the subway this morning, when Hyunwoo had bored holes through him with that piercing stare. He hadn't looked angry, or disgusted, or embarrassed, just... blank. Completely smooth-faced. Hoseok prides himself on being an excellent Hyunwoo interpreter, has honed his robo-hyung reading skills carefully over years of friendship.

So why can't he name that expression?

It fills him with a low simmering panic, not knowing what Hyunwoo is thinking, what he knows and how he feels about it. It's new, being in the dark about anything concerning Hyunwoo, and he hates it. Hoseok hates it viscerally enough that his eyes feel hot again, itchy with frustrated tears.

He can feel them threatening the barrier of his lashes, wanting to fall, but he hurriedly scrubs at them before they have the chance to do so. He knows his reputation amongst his friends as a crybaby, doesn't really mind it, but also doesn't really want to embody it so completely that he can't feel any strong emotion without tearing up.

Hoseok breathes deeply for a few seconds, slowing his fluttering heart and clearing his briefly fogged mind. Said mind is still spinning distantly, desperate to know how much Hyunwoo has been made aware of, but he tries to slow it as best he can. There's nothing he can do about it now, flopped on his belly like a sullen frog, and so he stands, sighing explosively as he goes. His tiny little almost-cry has given him a ghost of a headache. Wincing, he plods into the kitchen and pilfers through the pitiful medicine cabinet. He knocks aside a dozen different vitamins, a baggie of loose cough drops of varying flavors, and a bottle of mystery pills before he finds the mild pain relief tablets, and swallows two of them dry with a toss of his head and a grimace. Eyeing the cookie Changkyun had left for him on the counter, he grabs it before heading back to his room, leaving the door propped.

It's barely noon and Hoseok has already had two mini-crisis.

He can hardly fault Changkyun for calling him 'baby hyung' if this is how he acts.

As he sits propped against his pillows, munching his cookie and taking sips of chilled hibiscus tea, he can finally think clearly, and realize that Hyungwon would never tell Hyunwoo about how Hoseok felt, not without express permission. He may be a pernicious little weasel at times, but never once has he ever hurt Hoseok on purpose. He knows the sincerity with which Hoseok approaches any type of relationship, even one such as the one he has with Hyunwoo. As long as Hoseok wants to keep his feelings to himself, Hyungwon will never force them into the open.

Whatever he'd said to Hyunwoo, it hadn't been about how Hoseok has been in love with him for the majority of their friendship.

Despite his dramatics earlier, Hoseok is sure of this.

He feels the calmest he has all day after this realization.

He spends the rest of his day being less than productive, snacking more than he should and scribbling vague, sappy lyrics about longing in his work notebook.

Changkyun arrives well into the evening bearing takeout bags full of veggie burgers from their favorite burger shop. He and Hoseok eat them in front of the tv, watching shit English reality shows with subtitles, one of their favorite pastimes. Changkyun is talkative, telling Hoseok about the 'totally pedestrian' discussion prompt in his philosophy class and the couple that were kicked out of the library for groping each other in the reference section while he was studying with Minhyuk. The topic of Hyunwoo is resolutely and skillfully avoided.

 

The next day, Hoseok is fifteen minutes late to lunch with Kihyun and Jooheon. He'd slept through his alarm, exhausted from staying up with Changkyun until 3am watching conspiracy theory videos and the subsequent mind-cleansing cute animal compilations afterward.

He makes it to the noodle shop with both shoes on and his hair brushed, though, so he doesn't beat himself up too much.

Kihyun looks wilted in the heat of the noontime sun, patting oil blotting papers over his cheeks to soak up all the sweat he can as he waves Hoseok over. How he hasn't sweat yellow stains all over his white button up is a mystery to him, who is perpetually blotchy. Jooheon, looking damp in his expensive hoodie, passes him his glass of ice water as soon as he sits down. Hoseok gulps it down gratefully while the both of them make faces at him.

"I ordered you naengmyeon." Kihyun says in lieu of a greeting.

Hoseok grunts his thanks. The chill of the cold water hitting his stomach has cooled him down considerably. He could kiss Jooheon. Would, if Kihyun wouldn't neck slice him immediately and with no remorse.

"We all got naengmyeon, actually. It's hot as fuck outside." Jooheon says flatly.

Hoseok snorts, and agrees.

Before any real conversation can start the auntie brings their food over, and the table is consumed in slurps and sips and smacks. Hoseok eats his noodles and then some, tearing through the side dishes like a man starved. Well familiar with his appetite his friends simply push the small plates of kimchi and yellow radish closer to him.

Once the bowls are nearing empty and the auntie cuts off their side dish supply, they chat lightly. Stuffed full, Hoseok nods at the appropriate times, smiling absently in the contentment of the moment. He doesn't get to spend time with Kihyun or Jooheon as often as he would like, often only seeing them during the monthly movie nights at his and Changkyun's apartment. They're fun as always, Jooheon making enough snide comments to keep Kihyun in a constant state of hybrid annoyance and fondness and making Hoseok snort into his hand.

"You sure complain about your job a lot, for someone who claims to love it." Jooheon says with raised brows, sipping his iced tea.

"I do love it," Kihyun snipes. "It's models I hate."

"Hyungwonnie would be gutted." Hoseok speaks up.

"Good. I hate him the most."

Jooheon snorts through his straw as Hoseok giggles.

"He's the worst of the bunch. Befriending him was the worst mistake of my life," Kihyun continues. "You know he can't even be bothered to follow simple instructions? Yesterday he was on his phone with Hyunwoo the entire shoot despite the sign saying 'No Phones Please', which I laminated myself I might add-"

Hoseok misses the last part, too busy choking on the ice cube he'd inhaled from his cup.

Jooheon panics, predictably. He jumps up to slap at Hoseok's back, hits feeling like a butterfly repeatedly landing and taking off and doing absolutely nothing to help. Hoseok gulps, and waves him back to his seat to stop his fluttering.

"Did you happen to hear what they were talking about? At all?" Hoseok squeaks. Kihyun looks at him funnily, but thinks on it.

"Not really? I was concentrating on other things, mostly. Hyungwon looked pretty serious for most of it, though. I kept having to remind him to smile during his individual shoot."

Hoseok is suddenly hyper aware of every bead of sweat dotting his forehead. A droplet rolls down the center of his spine like a witch's finger.

"Did anything happen between you two?" Jooheon's face is more concern than anything, though blatant curiosity is there as well. Hoseok doesn't really know how to answer, though he does know that Jooheon isn't meaning him and Hyungwon.

He struggles to organize his thoughts, searching for the peace of mind he'd fought so hard for the previous night.

"I honestly don't know," is the best he can come up with.

Both Jooheon and Kihyun look at him with open expressions. Their silence prompts him to continue. He does so with a sigh, collecting himself with a bracing sip of water.

"Hyunwoo was weird during our workout yesterday, and I know it has something to do with Hyungwon." Saying it out loud lends some gravity to the atmosphere surrounding them. He fills them in on the events of the last two days. Kihyun nods sagely as he explains, while a wrinkle worms it's way to the center of Jooheon's forehead.

A short, contemplative silence settles over the table, broken only by the bustle of the restaurant around them. Predictably, Kihyun is the first to speak up.

"For once, I'm on the side of the frog."

Hoseok frowns at the same time as Jooheon.

"There are sides?" Jooheon asks.

"Of course there are. Hyungwon's side is that of reason, while Hoseokkie hyung's is that of cowardice."

He continues to speak over Hoseok's wounded 'hey', patting around his nose with his little paper while he talks as if dreadfully bored by the conversation.

"No offense, but this has gone on long enough. Watching you pine isn't as fun as it used to be. Now it just makes me feel sorry for you."

Jooheon nods solemnly. Hoseok's next 'hey' is even more wounded, this time accompanied by a pout.

"What are you so afraid of, hyung, really? That Hyunwoo hyung will hate you? That it'll ruin your friendship? You think he'll judge you for it?"

Hoseok flinches at every accusation. Kihyun looks faintly disappointed in him.

"You know him better than that, hyung. He could never hate you. You remember the time you ate the leftovers he brought from that famous kalguksoo shop in Myeongdong? The one he waited in line for for two hours?"

Hoseok's shoulders are hiked up to his hairline.

"I didn't know they were fancy noodles." He weakly defends.

"Obviously. And do you remember his reaction?"

Hoseok does. Hyunwoo had walked into his kitchen that fateful evening to see Hoseok happily slurping the last of the broth from the styrofoam container. His eyes had widened, his jaw had dropped, and his shoulders had slumped so low Hoseok couldn't help but have thought of the illustrations of early man he'd seen in Changkyun's textbooks. But other than that all he'd done was sigh, run his hand over his face, and direct a placid smile at Hoseok's confused face.

'It's delicious, right?', he'd said.

"It's not that I think he'd actually be mad," Hoseok says, eyes on the table. "I just know it'll change things, and not in the way I want."

Kihyun rolls his eyes so hard Hoseok doesn't even have to be looking at him to know he's doing it.

"I swear, hyung, you think Hyunwoo hyung is the dense one, and yet here you are-"

"The point is," Jooheon interrupts, "-that you can't know that until you try."

Hoseok nods, but not in agreement.

"There's too much at stake." He says dejectedly. "I can't risk our group dynamics changing. It'd be selfish of me to confess."

Kihyun immediately starts to speak, undoubtedly to scold him some more, but Jooheon stops him with a hand on his arm. Hoseok feels eternally grateful to him. As he watches, Kihyun sighs, and slides his arm up until his hand envelops Jooheon's. Hoseok feels warmth burst in his chest at their easy affection.

"If that's how you feel, we won't push you. Just know that all of us support you doing whatever." The last statement feels a little pointed, but Hoseok will take it for what it is; Jooheon wanting him to be happy.

He smiles at the two of them.

"Thank you. Now," He claps, desperate to escape the somber mood encompassing them, "-who wants bingsu? Hyung's paying."

Kihyun snorts as he stands.

"Whatever. We're getting almond flavor."

When Hoseok and Jooheon confront him with the combined force of both of their pouts, he reacts by reaching out and pinching their lips together until the two of them are whining to be let free.

 

The next day dawns bright and hot, like every day of this infernal summer, but a sky hinting at rain blows a cool breeze through the crowded streets of Seoul and refreshes the whole city. Hoseok wakes slowly, snuffling into the pillow he's curled around as his mind breaks free from the fog of sleep. He's comfortable, warm but not hot, his cracked window letting city sounds and cool air filter in, toes tucked beneath his mountain of plushes. He can hear domestic noises coming from the kitchen through his door, ceramic clinking and the percolator rumbling and what sounds like two distinct voices. This is enough incentive for Hoseok to drag himself up and into the first pair of sweats his questing fingers find in his drawer.

He shuffles out of his room and towards the smell of coffee, trying to tame his bird's nest of a head into something more presentable as he goes.

He's greeted by Changkyun in front of the coffee pot by the sink, stirring sugar into his mug while Minhyuk, seated on the counter beside him, kicks his heels against the cabinets and watches.

"Morning." Changkyun greets, deep voice boyishly low with sleep. Hoseok pats him on the back on his way to give Minhyuk a brief greeting hug that turns not so brief once he's confronted with the softness of his thin cardigan.

"Is this cashmere?" He asks as a hello, his nose buried in the fabric. Minhyuk chuckles and fusses with his hair.

"Sure," he says cryptically.

Hoseok rumbles something in his chest in reply, content to stay snuggled into Minhyuk's bony chest until he falls asleep again. Changkyun, sensible and cruel, tugs him by the elbow to hand him his own mug. It's his favorite again, though, so he gets a rumble as well.

As he sips, Minhyuk explains that he's come over early for movie night as he's free the whole day and bored. Reminded that he himself is not, Hoseok sighs and makes his explanations as he goes to shower.

Standing supine under the hot spray, head tipped back and eyes closed, Hoseok's mind wanders, as it so often does, to Hyunwoo. It's Thursday, the Thursday of their little assembly's sacred movie watching night, which means that everyone will be piled onto the couch come sundown. Everyone including their eldest. Normally, the thought of cuddling up next to Hyunwoo on their ancient sofa to watch a stupid art film and feed him cheesy popcorn would send Hoseok's heart into a nitrous-fueled speed lap in his chest. Today, it only makes it feel a little heavy.

Hiding his feelings has always been a bit burdensome. He watches what he says and how he acts, always a little anxious about tipping Hyunwoo off to how much he cares about him. Actively repressing them, however, is a whole other beast.

Before he becomes too bogged down with negative thoughts, however, he shakes his head to try and clear it. Water flies off of the tips of his hair, hitting the mirror in front of him and running down in jagged, zigzagged lines. He has no time to pity himself this morning.

He finishes washing his body hurriedly, drying himself off and completing his morning skincare as quickly as he can, while still being meticulously thorough. By the time he's dressed smartly in slacks and his only pair of dress shoes, combed his hair back, and spritzed cologne on his pulse points, he feels refreshed and appropriately blank minded. He is lucky enough to have found a job that he only has to dress up for on days like today, when he actually has to leave his apartment and sit down with his bosses at the production studio. Normally he'd just email the tracks he's completed to them at the end of the week, but appearances do actually matter, apparently, and it's in his contract that he has to physically meet up with them once every two weeks in a very loose interpretation of a performance review.

Typically it just consists of Hoseok sitting down with the production managers for an hour or two, trading industry gossip and making small talk. Nothing too tedious, and while he's not usually excited for the meetings, he can't say that he hates them either. Today, though, he can't help but be grateful for the opportunity to get out of his head for a while, to occupy his thoughts with nothing but work. A vacation of sorts from his whirlwind emotions.

He gets two flying kisses from Minhyuk and Changkyun as he leaves, which he snatches from the air and presses to his heart as he goes. Their chorus of laughter follows him cheerily out the door. The world outside is staring to heat up, the sun mercilessly burning the clouds away and scorching the breeze into nonexistence. Hoseok fans himself with his hand as he walks, hoping to keep his pale blue shirt collar from getting stained with the sweat he can already feel collecting at his hairline. The subway entrance, once he arrives, is shadowed and cool, but still muggy from the density of bodies swimming around it. He makes sure to pick up a breakfast pastry from his favorite little shop once he's finally underground, happily accepting the discount offered by the auntie for being her 'favorite customer' before joining the mass of workers boarding the trains as he munches on his bread.

He rides through the first couple stops comfortably enough, finishing his breakfast and stuffing the trash in his most professional looking shoulder bag, which he holds tight to his chest to take up as little space as he can. It's at fifteen minutes into his commute that he hears his phone chime in his pocket. He pulls it out to blink owlishly at the screen.

Hyunwoo's contact glares up at him above a short message.

_can we talk tonight? i have something to tell you._

Hoseok's throat is suddenly bone dry.

This... is unexpected.

A hulking, bronze-skinned wrench has been thrown into his carefully tuned machine of avoidance.

Hoseok reads and rereads the message a dozen times, wobbling in his spot as the train makes its turns and stops, heedless of the passengers around him.

The only thought cycling around his head is that he knows. Hyunwoo knows about him, about his feelings, his stupid crush. Inexplicably, he feels a headache coming on. If Hyunwoo knows, then whatever he wants to say to him tonight can't be good. It's not going to be the stilted confession Hoseok's been dreaming about, the blushed cheeks and smitten grin and bouquet of fucking roses. The blush might be there, sure, but instead of demure it'll be embarrassed, uncomfortable, awkward.

The thought nearly breaks Hoseok's heart in two.

He can feel his breathing becoming more labored, the telltale pressure behind his eyes that he hurriedly blinks away. He doesn't have time for this. Without really thinking he sends a reply with trembling thumbs, a simple _'okay, see u tonite'_. If he plays dumb, flutters his lashes and pulls a confused face, this might all blow over, and become a funny memory they can laugh over when they're forty.

Once he steps off at his stop his chest loosens minutely, and he heaves in a tremulous breath to steel his nerves.

He'll complete this meeting, go home, pretend everything's all right in front of his friends, and accept Hyunwoo's rejection as gracefully as he can. It's his only option, at this point. He's dug himself this hole, and it's up to him to climb back out. All he can do is hope that he doesn't lose his grip at the top.

 

Hoseok can barely remember a word the other producers had said as he walks out of the production studio two hours later. Their voices had filtered in and out of his ears as if his head were stuffed with cotton candy and moss. They'd chatted amicably, he'd responded without sparking any concern from them, but still he feels like he hadn't even been there.

He walks listlessly to the subway entrance, letting himself be carried by the ebb and flow of people down the stairs and past the stalls and shops. His mind is carefully blank. He thinks about the heat, the tickling of sweat on his back, thinks about the new group of trainees at the studio that he'll be writing for and the scent of the perfume of the woman next to him. Purposefully occupying himself with these everyday nothings, he uses them to stuff his mind even more full of fluff. For all his careful deflection, however, something as simple as a bump in the tracks is enough to send those comfortable thoughts spiraling away like wisps of smoke. The train jolts, a stranger behind him catches himself against Hoseok's shoulder with a quiet apology.

His wide palm braced against Hoseok's shoulder, sending him stumbling forward a step, brings the memory of Hyunwoo playing around with him two days ago rocketing to the forefront of his mind. Sweaty, radiant Hyunwoo, smiling so wide his eyes wrinkled like paper-mache at the corners, his cheeks flushed and his whole face so open and happy, like a child. Hoseok thinks of how Hyunwoo must think of this, with his heart so big and so sensitive, in the way that only his closest friends can see. Through all of this, Hoseok was never worried about Hyunwoo hating him, resenting him, being disgusted or annoyed or angry. No matter what the others think of him, he's only ever been afraid of his pity.

In Hoseok's worst imaginations, Hyunwoo takes him aside, uncomfortable, unable to meet his eyes. Reaches out to clasp his shoulder, hesitates, and withdraws it. Rejects him gently, sweetly, but not looking him in the face. Hoseok will take anything, the anger, the disappointment, the disgust, over this stilted, unfamiliar, uncomfortable future.

From the moment they'd met they'd been fast friends. Introduced sloppily before being abandoned together by a drunken Minhyuk at an otherwise mundane house party, they'd found instant camaraderie in laughing at their mutual friend's excitability. But then it'd been about the music at the party, then those dancing to it, and then before they'd known it the host was shooing everyone out and they had exchanged numbers, made tentative promises to keep in touch. Hoseok hadn't been in love then, his heart isn't that easily won, but after a few weeks of meeting Hyunwoo for coffee, lunch, seeing him post workout and before going to sleep and mid-chew of absurd mouthfuls of ramen, he'd been lost. A relationship so effortless and easy since it's conception, turning forced and stiff because of something so stupid and contrived as Hoseok's dumb bleeding heart? He can hardly stand to think of it.

When the train pulls up to his stop, Hoseok heads out, lost amongst the masses, moving towards his exit and feeling the air around him become hotter and more stifling as he makes it to the surface level. He feels restless, hopeless. The walk back to the apartment seems to take hours and seconds at the same time, and before he knows it he's inside and toeing off his nice shoes inside the front door. He tosses his shoulder bag onto the couch, not looking to see where it lands, and starts down the hallway. Changkyun's bedroom door is closed, and he can hear the sounds of the two men inside, yelling at a video game on Changkyun's little discount console. He does feel a bit lighter hearing his friends, the people that love him no matter what, having fun, when it feels like everything around him is being squeezed like a ball of scrap paper. It gives him perspective, helps him take his mind off of Hyunwoo and his stupid heart for a moment. Knowing that it's just that, just a moment, Hoseok hurries to change, putting on a hoodie and comfortable shorts, brushing the product out of his hair so that it falls down into his eyes.

He shuffles across the hall on socked feet. Letting a smile overtake his drawn features he knocks once, waits a second, and heads in to Changkyun and Minhyuk shouting excited greetings.

They keep their attention on the tv as he flops bonelessly onto the mattress behind them, giggling as his dead weight bounces them both an inch in the air. Changkyun spares a distracted second to reach back and give Hoseok's hair a ruffle.

"How did your meeting go?"

Hoseok just grunts, too absorbed in trying to burrow as deeply into the duvet as he can to answer properly. Accepting it, Changkyun bobs a nod, and his attention is back on the television.

Hoseok fiddles with the blanket between his fingers, and lets his mind go blank.

 

A few hours later the rest of their friends begin filing in in a steady trickle. Kihyun and Jooheon arrive together, bearing enough boxes of warm pizza, garlic bread, and fried chicken to give even Hoseok heart burn. Hyungwon is next, dressed in his approximation of pajamas and carrying a dvd case with him. Hoseok hears him describing it to Jooheon as Ukranian art house before he loses interest, and goes into the kitchen to help Kihyun and Minhyuk with getting the food set up.

"Where's Hyunwoo hyung?" Jooheon asks loudly from the living room. Hoseok tenses, though he tries not to make it obvious. Kihyun checks his phone next to him.

"Picking up beer, he said he's almost here a few minutes ago!"

Jooheon makes a noise to show he heard, but Hoseok isn't paying attention. His own phone sits like a lead weight in the pocket on the front of his hoodie. The smell of the greasy pizza on the counter, the laughter and shuffling of all of his friends, the quiet music coming from Changkyun's speakers in the other room, it's all suddenly too much.

"I'm gonna get some air," Hoseok mumbles, and hands the clean plates he'd been holding to Minhyuk. Both he and Kihyun send him concerned looks as he goes, unconvinced by the smile he sends to placate them, but he can't concentrate on them at the moment. He passes Hyungwon and Changkyun on his way to the door, but he doesn't stop to speak. He slips his sneakers on over his socks, nearly tripping in his hurry, and twists open the doorknob.

Hyunwoo blinks, surprised, on the other side.

Hoseok's heart stops and then starts up at a pace that leaves him breathless.

Hyunwoo visibly gulps as he sheepishly raises a 12-pack into view.

"Hi, Hoseok-ah."

His voice wakes Hoseok from his stupor. He hurriedly steps back out of his shoes and back into the entry way, making room for Hyunwoo to squeeze by him and into the apartment.

"Hyunwoo hyung is here!" Changkyun crows, and comes over to smother him in a hug.

"Hi Changkyunnie," Hyunwoo greets, smile in his voice. Hoseok wouldn't know about it, he's too busy studying the way his toes flex and curl in his socks. His cheeks feel hot, so he pats at them with his cool fingertips.

Everyone bustles into the kitchen to get their food after Hyunwoo removes his shoes and says his hello's to the others, eyes flicking over towards Hoseok every once in a while, very obviously checking on him. Hoseok wants to be better at pretending, at hiding how he feels, but he's just not, and never has been. So he just stays quiet, ignores the looks from all of his friends, and waits at the doorway to the living room to collect his food.

Before he can, however, a plate enters his field of vision. Surprised, he looks up to see Hyunwoo's pink face, black eyes boring directly into his own.

"Here," he says simply. Hoseok takes it, silent, and then the beer that Hyunwoo hands him as well. The shock of the cold, wet bottle against his hand jolts him into stuttering out a 'Thank you', that Hyunwoo just smiles and nods at.

Robot-like, Hoseok turns and finds a place on the floor next to Changkyun.

Once everyone is seated and eating, talking loudly over the music and clinking of bottles together, Hoseok takes a deep breath, and calms himself as best he can with the source of his stress sitting just a few feet away. Beside him, Changkyun presses up against his shoulder as he eats his pizza. Hoseok presses back gratefully, and starts in on his own. He tries to keep up with the conversations going on around him but his friends are notoriously loud, rowdy, and scatter-brained, so the flow of voices around him settles into the background, familiar and almost comforting.

He's too nervous to eat much, nibbling on some chicken and leaving the crusts of his pizza on his plate. As he picks at one absently, the weight of eyes on him draw his own up. He just barely catches Hyunwoo's gaze before the man is turning his face away and shoving a whole garlic knot past his lips. Hoseok, smitten despite it all, can only grin at him.

The night sky outside deepens as they all finish eating, and playing rock paper scissors to determine the clean up crew sends Minhyuk and Jooheon groaning and grumbling into the little kitchen to start on the mound of plates and glasses. Hyungwon crouches in front of the dvd player, disk in hand, and Changkyun sprawls on the now empty sofa, fiddling with his phone.

Every second that passes without Hyunwoo by his side, warming him and laughing with him, feels wrong, but Hoseok can't help but be the smallest bit grateful for them as well. The longer he manages to avoid being alone with him, the longer he can avoid the inevitability of his heart being broken.

"Who's getting the blankets?" Kihyun calls from the kitchen, where he'd been roped into helping complete the dishes.

Hoseok jumps at the opportunity.

"I'll get them!" He calls. He's up and out of the room before he can hear Kihyun's reply.

He and Changkyun keep the spare blankets in a little cubby in Hoseok's closet, one that Minhyuk had scribbled 'Movie Night Essentials' on in sharpie. He smiles at it now as he gathers up all the quilts and throws and hugs the bundle to his chest. It's only when he straightens up, snuggling his face into the blankets briefly, that he notices another presence in the room.

He spins around to face Hyunwoo, shutting the door behind him.

Hoseok can actually feel his heart beating against the wall of his chest as Hyunwoo steps forward, wringing his big hands together.

"Think we can talk now?"

Hoseok feels the 'No' on the tip of his tongue, 'I don't want to hear it' stuck like a ballast in his throat, 'Please don't make me' echoing alongside the fluttering of his pulse.

"Sure," he says.

Hyunwoo keeps looking at him, his face, and then away. He seems to be struggling with how to start, his lips keep forming words and then flattening in a scowl, eyebrows drawn in frustration, and Hoseok hurts, so badly. He decides to help him out a little, get this over with quicker for the both of them.

"Does this have anything to do with something Hyungwon might've said to you, the other day?"

Hyunwoo's head snaps up then, eyes wide and cheeks pinkening.

"Did he say anything to you about it?" he asks. He sounds anxious, and Hoseok's gut twists, this time in confusion.

"No, not really? He just mentioned that you two had talked." Hyunwoo's relief is obvious on his expressive face. Hoseok readjusts his grip on the blankets he's holding, neck flushed, palms sweaty. Rejections never go as smoothly as either party intends, and he knows this, but even so, he just wishes this were over already so he can start trying to get over it.

"Okay, um, good." Hyunwoo coughs into his fist. Hoseok hates that he finds his actions endearing, even now. "Because we did talk, but I wanted to be the one to tell you, not anyone else."

Hoseok finds himself nodding, though he isn't understanding.

"What is it you want to tell me, Hyunwoo?"

He gulps when suddenly, jerkily, Hyunwoo takes a step towards him, leaving little space between them. His eyes, the same ones that Hoseok finds himself so easily lost in, bear into his without wavering. Inexplicably, Hoseok feels goosebumps rising on his arms.

"There's-, it's embarrassing." A small, self-depreciating smile twists his plump lips. "How blind I've been this whole time."

Hoseok's throat constricts, and that damned pressure behind his eyes rushes forward.

"It had to come from Hyungwon, of all people, to get me to stop being stupid and open my eyes."

"You're not stupid," Hoseok blurts out, a reflex.

Hyunwoo just laughs, an edge of disbelief to it, eyes crinkling for just a moment.

"I really, really am though. What else can I be when I've been in love with my best friend for years, and I'm only just now realizing it?"

Hoseok's heart stutters to a standstill in his chest.

His blood chills and slows in his limbs, running sluggish up into his brain.

"What?" It's all he can say past numb lips.

"I'm in love with you, Hoseok." Hyunwoo laughs again. "I always rationalized it as you being my closest friend, like a brother or something, but as I was talking to Hyungwon a few days ago I realized that that wasn't it at all. He helped me see what I've been too stupid to this whole time, and that's that I love you, more than anything."

Through his whole speech he'd been impassioned, speaking from his heart, but towards the end he becomes shy, and his voice trails quietly off. His shoulders begin to climb towards his ears as the silence persists.

Hoseok is having trouble getting past that first sentence.

"You're... in love. With me." Hoseok repeats, unused to the shape and feel of those words in his mouth. Hyunwoo's eyes haven't left his, and the earnestness in them nearly chokes the breath from his lungs.

"Yes," Hyunwoo says, breathlessly. He seems to notice the glassiness of Hoseok's eyes then, and makes an aborted motion to touch his cheek.

"And that-, this, is what you wanted to say to me? What you and Hyungwon talked about?"

"Yes?" Hyunwoo says again, looking, for the first time, unsure.

Hoseok takes a moment, two, to gather his thoughts before he speaks again, voice suddenly loud in the quiet room.

"You mean to tell me that you're confessing to me right now?"

"Um, yes-"

"You! Are confessing, to me? When I'm the one who's been pining after your dumb ass for years? You are confessing first?"

Hoseok can't stem the flood of indignation rising up within him, right along something else, something he's hesitant to call joy but can't call anything else. He drops the blankets to free his arms just to wave them around, overwhelmed. He throws them out to the side before bringing his hands to bury his face into.

"So... you feel the same way? Or-"

"Of course I feel the same way, you big dumb bear! Dammit!" Hoseok says, and he's crying before he can stop himself, laughter wheezing out of him as tears stream unchecked down his cheeks. Hyunwoo is looking at him with so much fondness, familiar but new at the same time, the same expression he's seen in his stupid fantasies for so long that he can't take it anymore, can't take one more second not holding him.

He jumps over the last foot of space between them, throwing himself onto Hyunwoo and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that he'll catch him.

He does, of course, wrapping those beautiful arms around Hoseok's back and holding him up off of the floor, laughing into his ear as he squeezes the air from his lungs.

"I was wrong earlier. You are stupid," Hoseok sniffles into Hyunwoo's shoulder.

"I am. The stupidest." Hyunwoo's voice is contorted by his smile, and it's the single most amazing sound Hoseok has ever heard.

After a moment he kicks his feet, and Hyunwoo sets him back down, though he doesn't remove his arms from around him. Beneath his curled hands, Hoseok can feel the heat of Hyunwoo's body, the hummingbird beats of his pulse thumping through his palms and he can't help but smile, knowing Hyunwoo, his Hyunwoo, was nervous about this. The tension over the last couple of days, the flushed cheeks and furtive eyes and stuttered words, suddenly make perfect sense. While Hoseok never, not once, imagined them to be in the context of reciprocated feelings, the clarity he sees them with now keeps the euphoria within him rumbling and roiling like an upset sea.

He finds himself just looking at Hyunwoo. The pretty paper crinkle of his eyes, the fond slope of his eyebrows, the happy grin curling his lips. Hoseok knows his expression must be an exact mirror, knows he must look like a lovestruck fool but he doesn't care, can't care, when he feels as full to the brim with happiness as he does now.

Hyunwoo parts his lips, starts to say something that Hoseok never gets to hear because the door behind them abruptly explodes inwards with the force of the five jubilant bodies being thrown at it.

Their friends are laughing, shouting, Jooheon and Changkyun leading the charge as they're tackled in a group hug that nearly takes them all tumbling to the floor.

"Finally!" Changkyun crows, arms wrapped around Hoseok's throat like a vice, cheeks pink with happiness. He looks into Hoseok's face then, and suddenly his face darkens into a playful thundercloud.

"Son Hyunwoo, what did you do! You made hyunggie cry!" Hoseok finds himself torn from Hyunwoo's embrace, cradled to Changkyun's skinny chest. He giggles despite himself, summoning a pout and looking balefully at Hyunwoo from under his hair.

"Hey, he's your hyung too!" Kihyun says, siding with Hyunwoo, who is still just looking around in blatant confusion at the eavesdroppers. "And it's not like Hoseok hyung doesn't cry at everything anyways."

Changkyun can't help but snort and concede to that, freeing Hoseok with a ruffle of his hair, cupping his cheeks with a smile.

"I'm so happy for you hyung." He says this quietly, almost unheard over the ribbing Hyunwoo is receiving from Minhyuk and Jooheon behind them, and Hoseok smiles as widely as he can.

He stretches to press a little kiss to Changkyun's forehead, and pats his hands over his own cheeks to try and wipe some of the dampness off with the sleeves of his sweater.

"I'm happy too, Changkyun-ah."

Before the youngest can respond Hoseok finds himself pulled away, a scrawny body latching onto him and screeching congratulations into his ear. He shakes Minhyuk off with thanks falling from his own lips, and turns, only to see Hyungwon leant against the wall behind them, looking smug as ever.

"You son of a bitch," Hoseok says lowly. He revels in that smugness morphing into outright fear as he lunges towards him.

He offers no mercy as he scoops the taller man up in a hug, squeezing the life out of him, swinging him around like a ragdoll while the rest of their friends laugh at his groans of anguish. He stumbles when Hoseok sets him down, but he's smiling. Enough so that his cheeks are rounded out by the force of it.

"You should trust me more often, hyung. I know what I'm doing." He's breathless from his short flight around the room, but sincere.

"I guess so," Hoseok replies sagely. "But I hope you know we're not done talking about this. I want details, Hyungwon-ah."

Hyungwon's smile turns soft at the same time as he shrugs indifferently.

A hand drops onto Hoseok's shoulder then, stealing all of his attention. He turns to see who he'd already known it'd be. Hyunwoo's face is so close it eclipses everything else in the room, everyone, and Hoseok would have believed it if he'd been told that the others had suddenly and silently disappeared in that moment. He hums a voiceless question. In reply, Hyunwoo slides his damnably scorching fingers down the length of his arm to curl, shy, around his own.

The others are cheering and booing around them, generally causing a ruckus and risking his and Changkyun's eviction, but Hoseok can't pay any attention to them. He can only look at Hyunwoo, and squeeze his hand in his.

 

— One Month Later -

The weather today is par for the course at this time of year; hot and wet. An early morning rain had soaked the earth, while the midday sun works on drawing all of that moisture back out just to sit heavily in the hazy air. Hoseok, as always, is blotchy and miserable in the oppressive warmth. He's hunched on his stool, pouting around his straw as he gazes out of the window in front of him at the heat hazes wiggling above the asphalt. Beside him, Hyunwoo sweats placidly.

The cafe around them is abuzz, iced coffees and fruit smoothies flying over the counter as people slump in, looking for a respite from the hellscape outside. Despite this, the two of them are quiet. Their pinkies are linked on the table top between them, but Hoseok just people watches as Hyunwoo tries to one-handedly play a game on his phone. From the spastic flexing of his pinky in Hoseok's, he's not doing very well. Looking over, Hoseok smiles at the hang-dog look on his boyfriend's face.

"Not going very well?" He asks.

Hyunwoo wilts at being caught and closes his phone.

"It's not fun anyways."

Hoseok giggles at him. His voice is husky from the humidity, and it makes Hyunwoo smile. Hoseok watches as a bead of sweat rolls down from Hyunwoo's damp hairline, and hurries to swipe it away with his free thumb before it can irritate him or get into his eye. Already pink from the weather, Hyunwoo's cheeks redden.

Hoseok can't help but be enamored with it. He's reminded of all the times Hyunwoo has flushed from something like this, something so simple and hardly even affectionate.

It makes him curious.

"You know," he starts, faking nonchalance. "You never did tell me what it was you and Hyungwon talked about."

Hyunwoo sighs heavily.

He stalls, pulling on his strawberry milk tea, and Hoseok watches his blush travel down his jaw and around to the back of his neck.

"I was hoping you would forget," he mumbles.

The cafe is still buzzing around the two of them, but it allows some anonymity, almost. This portion of the tall counter running along the wall is their own. Hoseok grabs a couple more of Hyunwoo's fingers, hoping to loosen him up.

It works, in a way he hadn't expected.

Hyunwoo's eyes fall to their linked hands, and he laughs once, quietly, and pushes aside his tea.

"This, really." At Hoseok's confused blinking, he elaborates. "You taking care of me all the time."

Hoseok is now the one flushing. He almost pulls his hand away, but Hyunwoo's fingers tighten on his and he's left looking down at them, pinker than before and nibbling his lower lip.

"I always hoped you wouldn't notice it," he says.

"To be honest, I didn't." Hyunwoo sounds embarrassed. "I just saw it as you being a good friend until Hyungwon pointed it out."

Hoseok fights internally with wanting to throttle that lanky meddler, or giving him the hug of his lifetime.

"You always bought extra snacks for me, or waited for me at work, you even bought me more fancy kalguksoo after you ate my leftovers-"

"Will nobody let me live that down?"

"Hush." Hyunwoo laughs, and jiggles their hands to put a smile back on Hoseok's face.

"The point is, I always thought it was just who you were. You are someone who likes making others happy. I never looked for anything special in it because I didn't want to get my hopes up."

The implications of that makes Hoseok's train of thought tangle like a dropped spool, but he's brought back on track by Hyunwoo's soft voice.

"But then, that day, when you left early?" Hoseok winces, but doesn't interrupt. "He brought it up, how it's really just me you take care of all the time. Sure, you're sweet to the younger ones, and baby them, but not like how you treat me. Like I'm," He coughs, flushing darker all over again. "-I'm special to you, or something."

"Because you are, dummy," Hoseok mumbles. He really doesn't want to cry in this public space, but he's getting there. "You always have been."

Now it's just the two of them sitting in silence, weighted but not uncomfortable, fingers still in a sweaty knot between them, wholly unwilling to part.

Hyunwoo goes back to sipping on his tea, munching on boba bubbles and absently running the pad of his thumb across the back of Hoseok's hand. Hoseok watches it, the contrast of their skin, their matching calluses. It's only been a few weeks of this, but it's so easy, so natural, that it feels like they've never not done it. Years worth of holding hands and sitting pressed to each other's sides, trading giggly kisses on the sidewalk in the morning before the world has woken up. All of this comes as easy as breathing. Maybe it's the amount of time he's wanted it, yearned for it, that eases the transition. He has had full-color, high definition movies of all of this running through his head 24/7 for as long as he's known Hyunwoo, whether he's liked it or not. Like trial runs, they've prepared him for the real thing.

Hyunwoo looks up at him suddenly, rice paper crinkles appearing as he smiles.

"You're staring," he accuses.

"Yup," Hoseok replies, unabashed.

"I like it when you do that." Hyunwoo ducks his head and laughs at himself, but Hoseok just smiles at him, and clutches his big hand tighter.

He's got a lot of lost time to make up for. Time spent hiding his gaze, averting his eyes, keeping himself in check. Now that he's got permission? He doesn't know if he'll ever look away again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> hope y'all enjoyed !! pls love showho !!


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